JackD05 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hi guys, I made this post so I could submit a piece of fanfiction that I am currently working on. Please reply, I am always happy to revieve constructive criticism and would love to hear your ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hi guys I am going to present Chapter 1 now so you all have something to read and reply to while I perfect other parts. Here it is: Chapter 1: Beached When i opened my eyes, I saw nothing but a blindingly bright orange splodge that covered my entire vision. Instantly, I shielded my eyes and rolled over to one side, before I could be fully blinded,although there were still discoloured spots obstructing my vision. When I tried to get up, I discovered that my arms and legs simply didn't have the strength to move. I flopped heavily back onto the ground, exhausted. When I tried for the second time I managed to get unsteadily onto my feet, and surveyed the area around me in shock... Looking around me, I noticed that I was stood on a flat beach, peaceful waves lapped the shore, shining a brilliant blue. I began to walk towards the beautiful shoreline, desperate for water... I was expecting the seawater to be salty, like it should be, but when I cupped my hands and drunk the cool, crystal clear liquid, I was surprised to find that it was, indeed fresh and sweet! When I bent my arm to brush off the loose sand that I had collected while I was laying down, I noticed with horror that there was something stuck inside my arm! It was shaped like a small diamond, with many smaller diamonds inside of it, each one shining a different colour. When I brought it up to my face to take a further look at it, a blinding blue beam of pure light shot out of the core of the device, and into my eyes. After a few seconds, some sort of holographic screen filled my vision. The top left part of it was labelled 'inventory' and it had one item inside it; a specimen implant. It looked exactly like the strange crystal in my arm, so I assumed that it was exactly that. The bottom-left of the screen was labelled 'quick item slots'. Since I had no idea how I could use that, I moved on. The bottom-right of the screen was labelled 'statistics', and this showed me how much of each vital stat I had, and the maximum amount of that stat I could have. I noticed that water was at about 54% and was dropping faster than I expected. Just as I was about to draw my arm away from my eyes, I noticed that there was a small tag above my statistics labelled 'Engrams'. I tried to press the button physically, but my hand just went straight through the screen.I tried staring directly at the button, and to my surprise, a new screen flashed across my vision! At the top a large blue box said: 'Engram Points To apply: 8' and below that was a large list of items that I could presumably 'unlock' with my engram points, to craft new items that could help me survive the harshness of this island. The first thing in my engrams list was a campfire, that cost 3 points, so I focused my vision on the learn engram button, and with a flash of light the campfire lit up, indicating I already had the engram. When I focused on the campfire engram again, I was transferred to a menu that said 'Crafting Items' and next to my campfire a small display said: Crafting Requirements: 16 Stone 2 Wood 1 Flint 12 Thatch And next to that was a picture of a basic pickaxe.It required: 1 Stone 1 Wood 10 Thatch I decided it was time to get to work. I needed to start with making a pickaxe as that would help me gather materials for the campfire. I knew that if I peel bits of tree bark into thin strands, then it could act as string to tie the head to the handle, and also, I could get the head from an oddly shaped rock that I had noticed on the beach. When I picked up a piece of my thatch string, a blinding beam of light shot out of the device and the string disappeared into the implant. I opened my inventory and to my amazement found that my string was there, waiting for me to use. I repeated the same steps with my rock and stick, and they were all there, in my inventory. Now I had to find out how to make them into a pick. I stared at the materials and drew an imaginary line connecting them together. I was beginning to doubt myself when another blinding blue flash filled my vision, and I felt a heavy weight in my hands. When I opened my eyes, there was a perfectly bonded, pickaxe in my arms, the smoothened handle providing a strong grip, and the sharpened stone provided a brilliant example of excellent craftsmanship. Maybe survival isn't such a hard thing after all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Hope you guys enjoyed it, more content will be coming soon ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadpool00012 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Sweet man! Keep on working! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Thanks! I know I need to work on length and maybe make a more interesting ending, but thanks for taking the time to read my work? I also added on to chapter 1, it's still not that long but it might do for now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rpicardi1 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Certainly is the flavor of the game. My example from long ago given I have just finished my final revisions to my fourth adventure. This is from the first story "Trapped in the Bermuda Triangle; Chapter Two, Shipwrecked. It is still morning as I wake up on a deserted sandy beach looking face up at a beautiful tropical sky. My life preserver and clothing are gone including my watch and glasses. Interesting, My vision is fine, no signs of my nearsightedness. There are no signs of the charter boat or anyone else on board. In fact, there is no sign of anything on the beach other then driftwood, sea shells, and loose stones, not even a foam cup or plastic water bottle. I find myself stranded on this unfamiliar deserted beach, naked and alone. The seagulls flying about look rather strange. I see a larger strange looking creature flying in the sky, it looks so prehistoric. As I stand up, I see what looks like a Dodo Bird in its colorful plumage walks by. Wait! Aren't Dodo Birds suppose to be extinct? What is this strange looking crustaceans crawling at the edge of the water? What is this diamond shaped gem implanted in my left wrist? Just where am I? The rest of the crew; The Carlos Charter Survivors, their first day on the Ark. Michael is the first to come to on the sandy beach staring into the tropical sun. As he struggles to get up, he is shocked to find out that he can stand and walk unassisted. Nearby, Caroline gets up and doesn't recognize him at first, afraid of being naked in front of some stranger with unknown intent. Then, she is equally shocked when she recognizes his voice as he asks, “Where are we? What is this thing in my left wrist? How can this be? Are we shipwrecked in some kind of Pandora? Have we been reborn as some sort of Avatars?” “We must be.” says Caroline. “It would explain why you can walk unassisted and why I look and feel so different.” Their thoughts are interrupted by shouts from another couple down the beach. Denny and Julia come running towards them not sure just who they are at first. Both are astonished at Michael walking unassisted. They had been so used to seeing him needing help on the charter cruise. They are soon joined by Joe and Mary who are equally shocked. Carlos soon joins them from another direction. All of them are chattering about what has happened, where are they, what they must be, and wondering about what is the purpose of those gemstone implanted in their left wrist. They are interrupted when Mickey comes running towards them shouting “dinosaur, dinosaur, I just saw a dinosaur.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Looking forward to reading more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Hi guys sry I havent been active for a while, but I have good news! Chapter two should be out in a few hours!? I will edit the new chapter onto this post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 We are ahead of schedule everyone! Well ahead and behind. The good part is that you get a little snippet if whats to come early! The bad part is, I said it would be a Chapter, but it is only a small snippet as I have been set back with my writing. Sorry if I disappointed anyone by not releasing a full chapter but here is what's to come: What's To Come: Part 1: After sleeping next to my campfire for the night, I woke up with an empty feeling in my stomach, I didn't need my implant to tell me I needed food. I grabbed my pick and as silently as possible, followed the tracks of some small bird, presumably a dodo. When I finally saw the dodo, I crept silently up behind it and brought the flat of my pick down on it's head, the force killing it instantly. I then walked back to my campfire and used my pickaxe to chop large steak-like pieces off it's body. I had already set up a spit and left the meat to roast over the flames while I went to gather some berries to go with it.suddenly, my implant began to flash various different colours, obviously indicating something. I quickly opened my inventory and noticed that next to every one of my stats was a small plus. Then, for the first time, I noticed a line of text above my stats. It read: -------------- Jack: lvl 1. 3 level-up(s) waiting -------------- On my weight, health and food , I stared the little plus signs, noticing that I now had a 110 maximum health, weight and food instead of 100. When I looked at my food I only had 46.4 out of 110! Then I remembered the dodo steaks I was cooking. I rushed back to my campfire and grabbed the stick that the steaks were poked through. I laid it on a flat rock to cool down, and opened my engrams page. What should I spend my 24 spare engram points on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Nothing to be sorry for, it has only been a few days. There is a 3 week gap between my In Seas of Burnt Sand's first and second chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Did you notice my attemp at a cliffhanger? I don't actually know what he is going to learn with his engrams, but I think it might be time to make a home.? Im stuck on deciding whether Jack should stay on the beach or decide to move inland to set up a home near a river, deep in the forest where there is some danger but plenty of resources. Should he stay on the beach or set up home in the forest? please tell me your opinion and I will decide from there how the story should go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I reckon you should spend a bit more time on the beach, as common survival logic to escape would be to stay on the beach incase of a ship or something. So probably stay another few days in story and get a bit more prepared, then make your way in land. To be bare bones honest, I read the last chapter vigourously to find your attempted cliffhanger and didn't find it. Don't worry though they aren't that easy for everyone. When trying to. To make obvious cliffhangers, I suggest making the main character hang of a cliff. I found it gets easier to do cliffhangers after you hang from a cliff a couple of times. No, I am not psychotic. Yes, I do have problems... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 16 hours ago, DaEndGame said: I reckon you should spend a bit more time on the beach, as common survival logic to escape would be to stay on the beach incase of a ship or something. So probably stay another few days in story and get a bit more prepared, then make your way in land. To be bare bones honest, I read the last chapter vigourously to find your attempted cliffhanger and didn't find it. Don't worry though they aren't that easy for everyone. When trying to. To make obvious cliffhangers, I suggest making the main character hang of a cliff. I found it gets easier to do cliffhangers after you hang from a cliff a couple of times. No, I am not psychotic. Yes, I do have problems... Ok, I will have him stay on the beach for a while because i guess it is survival logic that beaches are safe. Then maybe something might happen that changes his mind about things. I wont tell you what I have in mind right now, although that will be announced soon. I best start writing!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Don't announce, that ruins surprises, let us find out when via reading the finished product. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Ok, I will keep it as a surprise until it is ready and perfected.? When I have completed part 3 of the what's to come section, I will combine it all into one chapter, with some improvements along the way. So here's part 2, I hope you enjoy it!? What's To Come: Part Two: When I woke up the next day, I felt the best I had since coming to this island. The campfire had long since burned out, so I buried the remains in the loose sand, planning to move on today. I planned to head West down the beach, to scout out a better place to make a camp. I had to stick to the beach because I still believed that a ship could come. For now... I searched for most of the morning, passing many spots, but none of them met my requirements. The first spot I came to had a small brook that passed through the sand, eventually running into a large pond that seemed to be inhabited by a large swarm of oversized bugs. I didn't want to go there. I was almost about to give up hope and just set up camp for the night where I was when the perfect area emerged out of the blinding glare of the midday sun... The spot was a perfectly flat clearing in the middle of a U-shaped cluster of ancient oak trees. The U was shaped in such a way that when I build a house I will be protected on three sides by trees, but still have an open view of the ocean to keep a lookout for ships. This place was perfect for making a house. I began search through my engrams list when I noticed that some new items had appeared. The first were the stone hatchet, the wooden club, the spear and enough different building materials made of wood to make any kind of house anyone could want! The first item I crafted was the hatchet. I could use this to harvest more precise cuts from the trees that surrounded my house site. The first floor required 80 wood logs and quite a lot of my fibre ropes to tie the supports to the actual floor that would have to support my weight. I began the hard and tedious task of perfectly chopping the wood logs in half to make perfect cuts that are the same in length and height. Only the best quality can go towards my house... Thanks for reading, I have actually copied the house location from that of one of my many bases on my singleplayer ARK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rpicardi1 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 4 hours ago, JackD05 said: Ok, I will have him stay on the beach for a while because i guess it is survival logic that beaches are safe. Then maybe something might happen that changes his mind about things. I wont tell you what I have in mind right now, although that will be announced soon. I best start writing!? Last Friday, I had the gaming computer down at the children's museum. One of the younger club members is building a system and wanted to try out Ark. I set him up on East Zine One where his character spawned a ways North of the Lava Cave. The area was quite safe, no dilos or raptors. However, he was building a thatch hut and got bushwhacked by a Carno. So much for a safe beach. He respawned closer the the cave and abandoned the first camp due to the presence of the carno. He has survived into the evening of day two where a hut has been built between two boulders and he now had a Parasaur. He is short some hide for the saddle when we quit the game. Only killed once, luck of the draw I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 11 minutes ago, rpicardi1 said: Last Friday, I had the gaming computer down at the children's museum. One of the younger club members is building a system and wanted to try out Ark. I set him up on East Zine One where his character spawned a ways North of the Lava Cave. The area was quite safe, no dilos or raptors. However, he was building a thatch hut and got bushwhacked by a Carno. So much for a safe beach. He respawned closer the the cave and abandoned the first camp due to the presence of the carno. He has survived into the evening of day two where a hut has been built between two boulders and he now had a Parasaur. He is short some hide for the saddle when we quit the game. Only killed once, luck of the draw I think. Well, I have heard anywhere near the lava area can be dangerous, but I think that the safety and resource availability of beaches can depend location-wise. I started Jack with a beach setting because I want this fanfic to reflect slightly on how I experienced starting ark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 17 minutes ago, rpicardi1 said: Last Friday, I had the gaming computer down at the children's museum. One of the younger club members is building a system and wanted to try out Ark. I set him up on East Zine One where his character spawned a ways North of the Lava Cave. The area was quite safe, no dilos or raptors. However, he was building a thatch hut and got bushwhacked by a Carno. So much for a safe beach. He respawned closer the the cave and abandoned the first camp due to the presence of the carno. He has survived into the evening of day two where a hut has been built between two boulders and he now had a Parasaur. He is short some hide for the saddle when we quit the game. Only killed once, luck of the draw I think. Beginners luck. Them carnos are real sneaky devils. Kinda funny how their name translates to 'meat-eating bull'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rororoxor Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Maybe survival isn't such a hard thing after all... then, i felt a burning sensation in my back. I turned around and there was blood pouring down my back. A raptor! I ran, but it was too fast. On my last breath, I gave a piteous scream and everything went black. Maybe i spoke too soon. The end. lol jk keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 1 minute ago, DaEndGame said: Beginners luck. Them carnos are real sneaky devils. Kinda funny how their name translates to 'meat-eating bull'. I agree. I must have been killed at least 3 times by carnos when I arrive at the beach for some metal. I just aggravated an argie then got it to follow me to open water then shot it down onto my glitched raft and tamed them there to avoid getting eaten Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rororoxor Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 1 hour ago, rororoxor said: Maybe survival isn't such a hard thing after all... then, i felt a burning sensation in my back. I turned around and there was blood pouring down my back. A raptor! I ran, but it was too fast. On my last breath, I gave a piteous scream and everything went black. Maybe i spoke too soon. The end. lol jk keep it up Somehow, I woke up again! It turns out that I died and came back to life! I was ecstatic. I looked at my trusty right hand, and got a faceful of teeth and a flash of red smoke. An alpha rex! I died. The end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 5 minutes ago, rororoxor said: Maybe survival isn't such a hard thing after all... then, i felt a burning sensation in my back. I turned around and there was blood pouring down my back. A raptor! I ran, but it was too fast. On my last breath, I gave a piteous scream and everything went black. Maybe i spoke too soon. The end. lol jk keep it up That could be an alternative ending to that chapter, but i feel that might make for quite a short fanfic.? I might also be releasing a whole chapter very soon. I dont have a planned date but it wont be long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rororoxor Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 1 hour ago, JackD05 said: That could be an alternative ending to that chapter, but i feel that might make for quite a short fanfic.? I might also be releasing a whole chapter very soon. I dont have a planned date but it wont be long. is it a regular or a hardcore server? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackD05 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Haha, well that would just make his day wouldnt it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaEndGame Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Well once he discovered he could respawn, his value of his own life would be non-existant (most peoples would be anyway). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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