Love, Hate & Rock'n'Roll

[maze]

aka The Story that changed my Life 

 

Part I - Introduction

My friend P and I, we are best gaming buddies for about 3 years. 

We met each other when Destiny launched and we played day on day off. Destiny got stale at some point and we looked for different games, played Minecraft, Borderlands and even single player games while still being in discord for at least 5 days a week. Our ways parted slightly because of conflicting work schedules. 

I watched some people on YouTube play a very unique game called Ark Survival Evolved. At that point, I got more and more obsessed with it, I couldn't wait for its release on consoles. 

Finally it was there in December '15, what a relieve. Purchased day one and off we go, P had no interest though. 

I have another good friend to play with, E. He totally jumped on the wagon and we played on my non-dedicated save until we fought and defeated the Broodmother. Great times we had, but there wasn't much left to do, so E did his own thing. 

I, on the other hand, couldn't stop playing. Eventually I searched for a server to play on and quickly realized that officials are not my thing, there's way to much toxicity on both PVE and PVP, so I looked for a nice player-dedicated server and found a good one, not great but good enough to start playing. 

Did my solo thing and at some point the owner decided to switch from PVE to PVP for no reason. A day later, my house and dinos were all destroyed by level 1mill Quetzals, time to leave. 

It took me a while until I found a new and better one, but I did. The Geek server, probably not the only one called like that. I'm proud to name it though, so feel yourself honored if you read this. 

At that point, The Center got released and we a had a fresh start, new people to meet and new adventures to experience. P joined me, now that I finally convinced him. He quickly got addicted to the game and it's mechanics. 

We met so many great people on that server to trade with or just hang around, caving, taming or whatever you do in Ark. 

Unfortunately the server crashed many times (due to its bugs on console) and we were forced to restart every so often, switching back and forth from The Island to The Center. 

Eventually the owner got tired of all that and took the server down for good. That was very sad to hear in general, but more so that P and me bond together more than before and played like back in the old days, 5-7 days a week. 

A week later he told me that he had a friend on his list that also plays Ark. We invited him into the chat and he told us that he owns a second console to host a server on. We immediately joined and made ourselves a home on his server. 
 
One day later my life changed, we met T. She played on that server for quite a while, in a tribe of three along with F and M. 

[maze]

Part II - Change

We were invited to their tribe and I refused at first, but P accepted that night and I had no choice but to follow. 

I had no clue where to find anything in their base, so we welcomed the decision to relocate and build somewhere different. 

We have a rule on our server, every tribe can have one port in addition to the main base to house the water dinos. P and I took that to our advantage and did 'our own thing' at the port that we've built. 

Days and weeks have gone by and the following update changed it all - Thylacoleos, and none of them were on The Center. In addition to that, there was no real incentive to be doing boss fights on that map (we did it anyways), so T suggested we'd switch to The Island. 

To our dismay (P's and mine), the remaining peeps of our server voted to transfer, and we did switch. So we grabbed all of our precious breeds and items and went off to The Island. At that point, both F and M left the server and I've taken control over the tribe ownership. 

We've built a massive base on Herb Island and we were close to tame-cap at all times. We did everything possible to do, bosses on all difficulties, partially renovated the base in Tek, had mutated [insert any dino name], built huge turret towers and so on. One day after the other, we were farming, taming, breeding and bosses each Sunday. 

At some point I've been alone with only T in a chat and we spoke about so many private things that I've heard too many details. My main concern was that she actually lives in the same city as I do. Hours and many intimate topics later, I told her that there was no chance in us being in a relationship. She uses to live a totally different lifestyle than I do, she's into partying, I don't. I'm absolutely into rock'n'roll but she's all for r'n'b and alike. She works in the army, I'm just a poor craftsman, and so on... 

Everything was fine as I opened my heart to her as far as I could. 

[maze]

Part III - Confessions

A few weeks passed by and our server crashed again - we started over, yet again. We recruited Pr into our tribe, he used to be lone wolf before the crash. 

Read here for more details:
https://survivetheark.com/index.php?/forums/topic/164783-so-what-did-you-do-in-ark-today/&do=findComment&comment=1119153

I confessed that I wanted to leave the tribe and she asked me 'why I would've left her alone' and that was the very sentence that opened my eyes. 

I've never intended to 'leave her alone' but at that point, lightning struck me and my thoughts about the actual situation I've been in changed drastically. 

Every single day that she's not there, I wish she would. Every massage she writes, I wish I could hear her voice. Every day I think about Ark and what to do, but what do I do without her. Every conscious minute I image she'd be there...

She's not online for around two weeks as of writing this. I just don't know how to tell her that I miss her, I haven't had these kind of feelings for about 10 years or even longer. 

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I tell her or do I die knowing that I've messed up?! Either way I have to confess the truth. Do I love her or is that just some imaginary controversy in my mind? 

Am I obsessed? Sure! Did it change anything? Of course!

So what do I do? I've already sent Part I and II to her, don't know if I should wait for any suggestions or if I have to be brave and send her Part III of this as well. 

[maze]

Part IV - Impatience

It's only been one day, I couldn't resist. I proposed to her that I've already written Part III. 

This time I did not sent the actual text to her, instead I quote myself  'Part III can be found on the internet. If you want to know what's in it, I'm certain that you'll be able to find it.' A few hours later, I've been in bed already, she sent a message that she will write the next one. 

Edit/ I think I misunderstood her message. I believe its meaning was more like 'So, onto your text now'. If so, ignore the next sentence. 

I don't even know if she found this topic or not. Don't know what to expect. Don't know what to do. I guess I have to wait it out. 

It's like the day before Christmas, you'll wait for what would be the expected present and then it's a pair of socks. Might as well expect the worst, at least I can't get anymore disappointed this way. 

The difference between Christmas and my situation is that you only have to wait for the night and go to sleep. I have to be at work for 8 hours, doesn't make it any easier. 

And why in the world are 9/10 rock songs about lovestories?

[maze]

Part V - Dreams

It's actually almost every night that I dream of her, weird dreams. 
---
Just like every other morning, I had a coffee and went off to grab the daily mail. I received a letter from my wife?! She told me to meet her at (X) location, so I grabbed our little girl and we went off into the unknown. 
We had a car crash and lil Lucy went missing. I had to search for her and, though I didn't find her nor my former wife, I found someone to talk to - T (or she found me). She told me that everything will be ok in the end. Given that I was still in search of my girl and my 'dead' wife, I had no one to trust but her. I decided to follow her, she lured me into an untrustworthy world of various monsters and apparent death. After many hours I found my wife, strapped to the bed she's been in for the last hours that god gave her. I haven't had the chance to see her (three years ago) but I couldn't stand what I saw and ended her misery. 
---
I've walked along the streets and I heard sirens, nothing special until I got closer. Someone must've forgotten to pull the hose out of their car in before leaving the gas station. Suddenly everything changed, I saw a single person on that station. Surrounded by fire and afraid of her life, T. She's been the size of a normal person, me - I've been growing as big as I titan, grabbing her from the height of a four-story building. I sat her on my shoulder, leaving the area to save her. 
---
Ark. I've solo tamed a Giga, that's nothing new. Trapped it, shot it and it went down. I fed it until it had 99% and all of a sudden it dropped, 90%, 80, 50, 1%! Uh oh, it looked at me still laying down unconscious. It's eyes slowly turning yellow. 'Who do you think you are? No one your size is forcing me to be their pet!' it yelled at me. It stood up on his hind legs chewing on the gates and they broke. I ran as if there's no tomorrow, up a hill and down the next, around a corner and there she was, standing there as her real ego. Time slowed down for me thinking 'What?' as I passed by her. The beast still after me - she raised her right arm, shouting 'STOP!' at the monster. It stopped mid-run and vanished right after. I turned and she disappeared as well. 
---
Some skyscraper, I've been riding down the elevator. It stopped at a random floor, she walked in 'Are you going down?', 'Of course, otherwise it wouldn't have stopped', 'May I join you?', 'The doors already closed behind you', 'Oh' and she turned around, peeking over her shoulder every so often as I watch the indicator go down - 16, 15, 14, 13! There is no 13th floor. The doors opened and she turned around 'Till the next time', 'K, bye?' The doors closed, lights went off and the elevator fell until crashing into the lobby. 
---
8/11
A usual day at work. I prepared everything to go ahead and drive to my first destination, hop in the car and chose some music to listen to, hit the road an off I go. 

After about 20 minutes, I approached an intersection called 'The Urania'. There's one lane to go left, two lanes going somewhat straight/left, two lanes straight/right and one that goes right. I've had to use one that went straight/left, all of a sudden a car hit mine from the left. A 7-seater-bus that belongs to the local army in my country. 

I left my car to see how severe the damage is, but it's not as bad as I thought. The other driver could've left in a hit-and-run by law over here, but he didn't.

We moved over to a more secure place to wait for the actual police to document the crash. The passenger, that has waited for a while to see what it's all about, got out of the car and walked around their bus. It hit me like a truck. 

It was her, right there, right in front of me. For the very first time we met each other. I knew what she looks like, she didn't. 

'Couldn't we have met on a different occasion?' I asked and she replied 'What, who are you. May I see your license, please'. I handed it over and while she checked it, I turned around  to my car and grabbed the latest record I bought. 
'I still don't know who you are and what you meant by that.' she said, and I gave her the jewel case saying 'Would you read out loud the third track on this CD?' 

She didn't say anything, but I saw a tear running down her cheek. 

[maze]

Part VI - Sleep Deprivation

This one goes in conjunction with Part V. 

I've got the same problem that Cymas has, can't sleep through the night for about a month or two. It's been especially bad since I spoke to T. (in Part III)

I usually have an exhausting day at work, do stuff around my house, play Ark and go to bed. Lately everything changed, I drink almost every day to get past my thoughts which obviously doesn't help. 

Since the last reset on our server, I'm not doing much in Ark either. Partially started the layout for our base. 6x12 and a one high wall around it, though there are already three industrial forges, all crafting stations and a few vaults in it. Everyone could come by and steal our stuff. 

As per usual, I log on and P is already there. I sort the blueprints we got last night, do some random stuff and go fishing again until he leaves for work. I log off and call it a day. Rinse and repeat. 

Almost every day I open YouTube and start some random music video. I always end up with either 'Sweet Child of Mine', 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' or 'I Believe in a Thing Called Love'. So much for lovesongs...

It's been countless nights that I fell asleep on my couch to wake up three hours later, soaked in sweat with the last few memories of the dream that I just had. I go for the bathroom and in the bed again only to realize that I can't sleep anymore. Well, let's have breakfast at 2:30 in the morning, I can't eat anything that early, ok let's NOT have breakfast... I grab the book that I'm reading at the moment ('The Dark Tower') for the fourth time. Can't even concentrate on that, everything around me is filled with Ts. Every word I read, every word I hear, even those stop signs on the road - I avoided them recently if I know the streets.

I've even wriTTen messages like This jusT To make it ever so slighTly doable for me To geT pasT my mind, iT didn'T work. 

On top of that there's a word in the English language that is her actual name, which is so annoying when my auto-correct doesn't change it to what it's supposed to be.

^It's even in this sentence. 

That's how it goes when you hit rock bottom. 

[maze]

Part VII - Anticipation 

So a few days passed by that I haven't heard of her. Yesterday we had a few hours in which we wrote quiet a lot messages back and forth. 

She admitted that she didn't read anything of the above, she can't find this thread, I don't know if she searched at all. I won't send her the link nor will I send her the texts of Part III and anything following. 

I'm going through a very hard time right now, so she has to do something for me as well. As much as I anticipate that she'll be back in two weeks, she also has to approve that I put that much effort and courage in this, and that's a lot of courage. I just hope that she will put some work into finding this. 

This is actually the second time that I started this thread. The first one had a similar title, though it got deleted without any evidence of it ever being there. The support couldn't help me either, just gone for good. I had no backup which was very unfortunate as I wrote the whole text in the editor. Now I write them in a notepad and publish when they're ready. 

Back then I sent her the link to that thread. It was hidden for a day, so I assumed that whenever it gets opened for the public, she'll be able to read it, didn't happen. At least she knows on which website she has to look and with a bit of brainpower and understanding of where to put off-topic related posts. I'm confident to say the least. 

[maze]

Part VIII - Expectations

What do I even expect to be happening? I don't know. She'll probably not come after me saying 'Yeah, all of a sudden I love you too!' when she reads this. 

Do I love her? Don't know either. Some people will call it that, some won't. Some people will probably say that I'm obsessed. That is most likely the closest it gets in this one-sided relationship. 

What I know is that I'm attracted to her, but is that enough? Sure it's enough to write 3000 words on that subject. It's enough to wait for her every day for hours on end, even if I know she won't be there. It's enough to await something special every time I get a message from her. 

Where does all of that lead to? Frustration? Probably, if I don't get the answer that I would like to get. But I can't assume that this will lead into peace and happiness at all. What will happen with our gaming experience? Can I even play games with her? I don't even know if I can bare the answer. 

Maybe I made a huge mistake in starting all this. Maybe it was the right choice. Maybe I should've told her already. 

If she's clever enough, she'll already expect what's written in here. 

[maze]

Part IX - Messages

I got her phone number on 2/24 this year. We created a group to send messages for everyone to read along. That was pretty crucial on our PVP server, with all the people we were back then. 

About a month later I sent her the first private message. Nothing special, only to invite our new member into the group. That was when we switched to The Island for the first and only intended time. 

Yet another month passed without a private message. Don't know what we spoke about in chat, but she did sent me some pictures of her. That was very unexpected as I try to not give anything away until I know that person good enough and feel comfortable about. 

The remainder of these messages were mainly questions about when she'd be online to play Ark, until early June. 

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. She said that she has to attend to the wedding of her cousin. She sent another picture of her and the clothes she chose to wear. I told her I don't like them, but who am I to judge. This ended up in a very heated discussion about marriage in general. 

Since then it's been more and more heart smileys and flowers that I've sent to her, a few links to songs that I adore, some voice messages when I was drunk. (if I could take those back)

On 6/20 she failed her test at the course she's at, what a sad day that was. She told me that this was the very first test she ever failed in her life, 25 years of perfection until then. I had to lend her my ear for the night. We exchanged many stories of failure, mostly mine. I've not had an easy life so far. 

The following Friday, I wrote my confessions for the first time. Easy as is, I sent her the link. (see Part VII)

She couldn't read them, but she tried at least. 

I'm not perfect, I'll annoy you, piss you off, say stupid things, then take it all back. But put all that aside and you'll never find a person who cares and loves you more than me. 

[maze]

Part X - Music

Oh well, this one is very special and also the one that divides us the most. Music in general is the biggest part in my life, every day. Without music, I couldn't do anything. 

I don't play any instruments or sing very well, I sing in the shower anyways or in my car. 

I usually get up each morning, not doing what most people do. My alarm goes at 5am and I have to be at work at 7am. That's two hours of spare time. I open my eyes, stand up, reach for the radio and have it run. 

If I wouldn't do that, I'd have an earwig of the last song I heard in the evening. Which is good and bad at the same time, dependent on the song that I heard last or the one that's running right now. 

I hate it if go pick up the breakfast at my local bakery and they have a radio running which yells some odd 70s neo-pop songs. I'll get an earwig for the whole way back home or to the workshop. 

The latest CDs that I bought are always in my car until I get sick of them, then I'll switch to the radio. Luckily my hometown has an awesome rock station, it's called Star FM. Arriving at work, the first thing I do is, change the radio from whatever everyday-music-station my colleagues listen to, to Star FM. Crank it up to piss them off and sent them their way. 

Back at home, YouTube is my best friend. The best thing about YouTube is not that you can listen to everything you want, it's to discover new music. As of writing this I found 'Eat Lipstick', not the greatest of glam-rock bands but sure something different. You know, guys dressed in women's clothes, makeup and punk-rock. 

What I don't like, is that YouTube every so often skips songs that i want to listen to, because of legal rights in my country. I even have a friend working at this institution that prevents songs from being played on the internet. All because the production studios don't earn a single penny off of YouTube views, what a stupid procedure. 

Nonetheless, there are way more songs on the internet that I could ever listen to in my life, even if I would have 24/7 for that. It's getting close, though. Mainly my wake time is from 5am till 10pm, 17 hours in which I listen to music for about 16, give or take an hour. 

I don't mind the general genre of 'rock music', be it metal, classic, indie, glam, alternative or whatever. There's is one thing that I don't understand, why do so many songs tell a story about a girl or losing a girl? Is that the same in non-rock music? It gives me shivers, especially for the last few weeks. 

Given the fact that I love music that much, I have to listen to all those love songs, skip one and there'll be the next one. If there's 'love' in the title, I kind of feel attracted to them and have to try it the hard way. That might be the selling point, not necessarily the band nor the genre or the quality of the song. 

So, you've probably been waiting for me to call out names. I'm mostly into 80s and 90' rock, that's what drove my childhood. Some big ones are 'Monster Magnet', 'Tool', 'Midnight Oil', 'Meat Loaf' and 'Foreigner'. 

No, I'm not naming AC/DC, Metallica and alike, those were not my cup of tea back then, AC/DC still isn't. Metallica got interesting when they released their movie called 'Into the Nether', a film filled with absurdly great music, and a story about a rowdie on their tour? Awesome to say the least!

Lately, I've been discovering more great bands. 'Airborne' being one of the best I've heard in a while, instantly visiting my record store to buy two of their records. 'Pop Evil' isn't bad either, but there's only one or two songs that fits my liking. 

Here are some more bands that made it into my playlist - 'The Darkness', 'Buckcherry', 'Five Finger Death Punch', 'Avenged Sevenfold', 'Tenacious D', 'Rise Against' and 'Disturbed'. 

Litte bird, you're always flying away. 

[maze]

Part XI - Climax 

With all that said and the advise you gave me, I sent her the link yesterday. I couldn't stand the pressure anymore. 

She registered to the forum just to see what it's all about. Unfortunately, she can't view any content, I don't know what the issue is, I've contacted the support on this problem, no reply yet. 

I've slept over the night and dreamed of her again. 

I just got a message of hers that said 'So, do I get the texts anyways?' and I replied 'Are you sure?', 'maze, of course I want to!'

I did sent them via private messages. 

Here I sit drowning in tears and awaiting what's to come, reading Part VIII over and over again...

[maze]

Part XII - Conclusion

It didn't take very long for her to read through the messages. 

She told me, that she already had someone for about 3 weeks, I must've overheard that in any of the recent conversations we had. 

That's about 5000 words down the drain, 50+ hours of time wasted to write all of this. Well, it's not really wasted, I confessed what I'm going through. The outcome is just different from what I expected. 

What did I expect? Nothing but all of it. I just wasn't be vary of how much of an impact it would have. Now I sit here on my couch, crying over what it could've been. 

I'm fine with what it is, I just have to wrap my mind around it. I've got two days until I hear her again, that's two days to get my confidence back. 

Those two days will be be my course of action.

[maze]

Part XIV - The 24-Hour-Rule

It's been a day and then some. I feel way better than I did a yesterday. 

It's been a very rough day for me. Tears, thoughts, opinions, everything you could imagine. 

In the end, what's left? Nothing but me, still sitting here on my couch. 

What changed? Everything, but the main concern I have is that none of my closest friends said ANYTHING about my issues. Nothing at all...

So how do I go on from now? I live my life, I have to talk to T tomorrow. Let's see, I've traversed this rocky slope already. 

Always look on the bright side of life. 

[maze]

Part XV - One Step Closer

Not to her, but to my friends. 

What a misbelieve I've had in them. They did care and they did help me. 

Yesterday, we sat together and talked about the 'bucket of lard' that I got from T, it helped me a lot to get over it. I thought I could handle this on my own, how wrong I was.  

In last years September, I've fell into the deepest hole I've ever been. Lost my job, lost my insurance, crashed my car. Had no money at all for two month, I ate dry bread and boiled rice. 

When that happened, I decided not to talk to anyone about my problems. I locked myself in, answered no messages, kept my phone off. They thought I would've committed suicide and came by my house and rang the doorbell for hours, yelling they'd call the police to open the doors. I gave in and opened, and we talked. 

As I sent them the link to this very thread on Saturday, I expected them to read what's written and come at me to talk. No reactions for a day, I saw red and insulted everyone for how bad of a friendship this is.

I regret this so much, if I could take everything back and make this undone. Yet, in the end they stood by me and listened to every word and forgave me everything. Again.

The best of us will find happiness in misery.  

[maze]

Part XVI - Words

Finally, after a week that felt like a year, I've had the chance to speak to her. I prepared myself for this the whole day. Didn't know what to tell her or what to speak about, so I started babbling about Ark. 

She told me that the guy she had quit the relationship. So I had to lend her my ear again. No tears or crying though, P already spoke to her yesterday. 

Her work schedule also changed, now she has to work a 12h shift for a week straight and gets the following week off, rinse and repeat, starting tomorrow already. That's what she wanted anyways, and why she had the course she attended to and failed. Nonetheless her boss said it's ok, everybody fails at some point in their life. 

A few hours in and some beer later on my behalf, I made the same mistake that I've already did. I told her that 'the whole love thing' is off the table for me. Now that I think about it, it's not.

What kind of an idiot am I? 
To ease the discussion? To make her stick with me in the game? To not scare her off with my feelings?

After all this and speaking to my friends and family, the decision that I made was to make a cut and call it a lesson. So I have to. 

Now that I said it twice, there's no turning back. but I feel as if I stand on the same side of the fence that I stood 9 days ago. 

The past days went great for me, I've had my ups and downs and I learned from it. I thought I knew how to handle every situation, might only be at work then. 

The bigger the river, the bigger the drought. 

[maze]

Part XVII - Finale

It was unexpected for me, she sent a message in our group which said, she'll be around to play some Ark for a few hours. 

So we played some Ark. After the others left our chat, it was only T and me. I had to confront her again with this story, I know that I'm intrusive and annoying with my persistence on this topic. 

One last time, we spoke about how this will end, it will end where it started with us back in February. 

We will still be friends. 
We will still play games with each other. 
We will still do what we do. 

We just won't make it into an actual relationship. It took me a while to realize that she just doesn't want me. Not necessarily me as a person, more so the type of guy that I am. 

She's too superficial and biased about the men she wants to date. You know, six-pack, big cars and money. As long as she can admit that, I'm fine if this is her reason. Now I have to be biased, but I just hope that she stops falling for them and let them exploit her. 

That's the end of this story. Where did it lead? Nowhere, we are where we were before. 
But I learned one crucial lesson - always look forward, nothing will change the past. 

A friend once said 'The tide comes and goes, but the water is never gone.'

[maze]

Part XVIII - Afterthoughts

It feels weird to continue on this. 

So if you've read everything above, you'd might get a read on my mind. A lot changed about my perception on life. The last weeks, after I thought I'd concluded this story, were very different. 

On every occasion that I write a message to her, I'm granted with a one-word-answer or the shortest possible explanation of the question asked. I won't read through the messages (exchanged in the last 5 months) again, just to see if it's been like that all the time. 

The answers I get is like 'got company' if I ask if she'll be online later, or 'Friday night' if I'll ask for her next week at work. 

Might it be her grammar or is she just lazy? Can you even apply to the army if you can't reasonably write your native language to a degree? (scratch that, i didn't intend to insult her) Or is it just me, expecting too much? 

I thought this to be the way it was before all of it started, but it seems that she tries to avoid me. Whenever she's online, she will follow my chat invites, though everything else looks (to me) that she won't react to anything I do or say. She does, but not the way I'd like to. 

I might have to talk to P, on how she goes about his messages. 

edit/ I asked him a few days ago about this and it's the same on his end, yes, no, maybe, later. So I told her today that I don't like that kind of behavior. She excused herself and promised to try to relent on this. Here's hope for a change again.